TO: ACLU Membership
DATE: Dec. 17, 2007
SUBJECT: War on Xmas
My dear Comrades:
By now, you no doubt heard. We have lost.
As Bill O’Reilly wrote last week
The far-left secular progressive community is furious, furious, I tell you about losing the war on Christmas…
All over the country, the sights and signs of Christmas are on display. Few department stores are telling employees not to say a ‘Merry Christmas.’ And the Taliban like oppression of the holiday has largely ceased, but the SPs (secular progressives) are not happy about that.
It pains me terribly to say it, but Bill O’Reilly…is right. We haven’t killed Christmas.
Even though, for the past two years, we had been making such great strides. Oh sure, even as we had been working cleverly behind the scenes at killing Christmas, we had been busy dabbling in protecting the rights of Christians. Remember the 2003 case in which teenagers in Massachusetts were suspended for passing out candy canes with Christian messages? And we defended them? And how about that 2001 “friend-of-the-court” brief filed on behalf of Jerry Falwell defending the right of churches to incorporate in Virginia?
Ahhh, yes, but as you know, that was merely part of the coverup – a way of distracting the proletariat from our eventual success of “Taliban-like oppression.” (I’d really like to know how O’Reilly got his hands on that memo.)
So why? Why have we failed? Perhaps, for this, I must take some responsibility. My assertion that nobody takes Bill O’Reilly seriously was a tactical error on my part. But, I mean, come on. Bill O’Reilly? Who would ever have imagined that clown had such influence? Other than him, of course. Obviously, his freedom-fighters in the Wal-Mart aisles were listening. And they responded with demands that Christ’s message of salvation will be delivered in Martha Stewart Collection “Trousseau” decorative pillows and Toshiba 42-inch hi-def flat-screen television sets.
As York Daily Record columnist Mike Argento, who has been an undercover agent of ours for years, wrote in his dossier
Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ used to be a perfectly nice way of wishing someone well. Now, it’s uttered like a threat.
But now is not the time for wallowing in failure. Now, is the time to look to the future and foresee the glorious victory that yet awaits us. We must regroup. We remain only 373 shopping days away from Christmas 2008.
By now you’ve all gotten your information packets outlining next year’s talking points. Remember, and I can’t stress this enough, it’s important to stay on message if we’re going to win this.
The official line remains: There is no war on Christmas. The ACLU defends the rights of people of all faiths to worship according to their beliefs.
Talking point No. 1: “The free exercise clause of the First Amendment guarantees the right to practice one’s religion free of government interference. The establishment clause requires the separation of church and state. Combined, they ensure religious liberty.”
Talking point No. 2: “The ACLU will continue working to ensure that religious liberty is protected by keeping the government out of the religion business.”
Some have complained that our tactics are somewhat dishonest in light of the fact that “separation of church and state is a myth.”
Fortunately, because we’re all Godless heathens, the dishonesty shouldn’t be too great a problem. People, must I remind you? It’s about moral relativism. The end justifies the means. If you’re still confused by this, I suggest you read the Discovery Institute’s famed Wedge document (PDF). It gives a great overview of the importance of setting aside one’s morals for the long-term greater good.
And on that note, don’t forget, Thursday is the second anniversary of Judge Jones’ Dover decision in which intelligent design received such an outstanding pillorying. There remain only three more shopping days left until the holiday. For those still searching for a perfect gift for your children, may I suggest that Karl Marx’s The Communist Manifesto makes a great stocking stuffer?
Merry Kitzmas to all.
Lauri in York